The Internet’s Funniest Lawyer Jokes

funny lawyer jokes

Lawyer jokes are nothing new. About 2,500 years ago, Aristophanes wrote The Wasp, a satirical play poking fun at the legal profession. [1] Since then, there has been no shortage of lawyer jokes – and no one knows and tells more lawyer jokes than a lawyer.

Good and Bad News From a Criminal Defense Lawyer

A criminal defense lawyer tells his client, “There’s good news and bad news. Which do you want first?”

The client replies, “Tell me the bad news first.”

“Well,” the lawyer answers, “The police report says your blood is a match for the DNA found at the murder scene.”

The client curses loudly and growls, “OK, so what’s the good news?”

“Congratulations!” the lawyer replied. “Your cholesterol has gone down to 140.” [2]

Billing Practices – The Doctor and the Lawyer

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party, but were constantly interrupted by people asking the doctor for free medical advice for their ailments. No one asked the lawyer for legal advice.

Eventually, the doctor turned to the lawyer and asked, “What have you done to prevent people from coming up to you to ask for free legal advice?” The lawyer had a quick answer, “I give them my legal opinion and then I send them a bill.”

The doctor decided it was worth trying. Even though he felt somewhat guilty, he prepared bills for all the people he’d given free medical advice to at the party. When the doctor carried the bills out to his mailbox, he opened it and found a bill from the lawyer.

Short and Not-So-Sweet

What do lawyers and nuclear bombs have in common?

As soon as one side gets one, the other side needs one too.

When they get started, you can’t call them back.

Once they’re done, everything is messed up forever.

How are lawyers and sperm the same?

Out of 3 million, one might become a human being.

What should you yell out if you see 20 lawyers parachuting from a plane?


Santa Claus, a leprechaun, a staggering drunk and an honest lawyer spot a hundred dollar bill while walking down the street. Who keeps the money?

The drunk, naturally. All the others are mythical creatures. [3]

People look at lawyers and politicians in much the same way. You might hate all the others, but you love your own. When a criminal defense lawyer is all that stands between you and prison, your lawyer is your new best friend.

To get in touch with a real lawyer, reach out to Khonsari Law Group.



[1] Aristophanes – The Wasps

[2] Good News and Bad News

[3] Lawyer Humor



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