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How to drink vodka, the Russian way

by Grant Hamilton

This lesson is about to change my life:

Russian men drink vodka shots. They drink vodka with gusto while making loud breathing noises. They drink vodka as if their manhood depended on how loud those noises are. After these shots, Russians eat. They eat small morsels of food, chewing pensively, their gaze directed inward like that of a woman in late stages of pregnancy. In fact a good prix-fixe Russian dinner is a twenty-course affair, seventeen courses of which are hors d’oeuvres in small portions. During such dinner a Russian may down seventeen shots followed by seventeen different hors d’oeuvres while giving seventeen toasts. ….

The social purpose of rapid-fire vodka shots is to get as much alcohol in you as quickly as possible to get the party going. The gastronomical purpose of drinking vodka at dinners is to enhance the flavor of the food. Vodka is 40% ethyl alcohol, which is an ideal solvent for the small-molecule chemicals that give food its taste. Most of the taste is sensed not by the tongue but by the nose, and alcohol dissolves the flavor components and vapors and delivers them to their destination, making the food taste stronger.

On the Barnes and Noble Review site, a Russian doctor proffers a six-step process for optimal vodka consumption. It starts with breathing out, and ends with breathing in. It promises to enhance your enjoyment of both vodka and all the food you enjoy it with. I cannot wait to try it.

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2 comments

  1. Curtis says:

    26 November 2010 at 11:15 pm (UTC -5)

    Wow! Thanks for sharing that. I suspect the problem of having vodka taste like burning is also directly correlated to sticking with the cheap/homemade stuff and not splurging on the Stoli…

    1. Grant Hamilton says:

      28 November 2010 at 11:09 am (UTC -5)

      I am very interested to try the full six-step process, as soon as possible. Because I am now paranoid that the link I left will eventually die, and I’ll be like some ancient Greek scribe, referring to wonderful works now lost to history forever, I am going to include the six steps in this comment:

      All of the above leads to a multi-step vodka drinking ritual choreographed and perfected by Russian revelers over millennia. To be more specific:

      1. Pour a half an ounce of vodka into a shot glass (preferably made of Czech crystal). This amount is optimal for both fully experiencing the drinking process and for extending it through four to six toasts (2-3 drinks).
      2. Pick out a spicy and salty hors-d’oeuvre of your choice and smell it. High-brow: caviar, smoked fish, selected marinated mushrooms. Low-brow: pickles, herring, salami.
      3. Breathe out loudly through your mouth emitting an animal noise. No air should be left in your lungs.
      4. Drink your vodka in one swallow. DO NOT BREATHE IN. Breathing in will let the air into your system and will negate steps 1-3, and your mouth will burn.
      5. Put your food in your mouth WITHOUT BREATHING IN and chew it pensively for 15 seconds, trying to direct your gaze inward like as if you were a woman etc.
      6. Finally, breathe in.

      If you have done everything right, you should be feeling tender warmth deep in your chest, spectacular tastes in you mouth, and no burning anywhere.

      He also says that you’re best to approach the vodka with extreme hunger, bordering on starvation. He suggests doing the ritual three times before a big meal.

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