Absurd Intellectual

I’m not much for resolutions, but it’s hard not to get caught up in the spirit of New Year’s, and heck, it is a pretty good time to take stock of yourself and make some plans for the future, why not.

But instead of pledging to fatten my bank account and trim my waistline, I’m going to spend 2011 bettering myself in different ways. You know how some people pledge to get rid of nasty habits, like quitting smoking? Well, I’m going to do the reverse of that: I’ve come up with a list of some interesting traditions that I am going to try out — and maybe implement permanently — during the next 12 months.

Some of them are old traditions that have fallen by the wayside. Others are things I’ve just heard of for the first time. But I’ve got 12 months in which to fit them all in. Let’s see how I do:

1. Walking to work. Not everyone can do this — but I can. According to Google maps, I live precisely 1 km from my workplace (like, right on the nose) and yet I drive almost every single day. Sure, I live in a car-happy city, but that’s just inexcusable. Even when it’s 40-below, I should be hoofing it. Tradition, you ask? Sure. After all, it wasn’t that long ago that we all walked nearly everywhere. Unless we could afford a horse and carriage.

2. Making my own bread. This is something that I’ve occasionally done, but I want to kick it up a notch. My mom has perfected a great no-knead recipe that you make in a cast-iron skillet. What’s more awesome than that?

3. Drinking more champagne. If you’re brand-conscious enough to require only capital-c Champagne, this will be a pricey tradition, but there are a zillion great sparkling wines out there that don’t happen to hail from a tiny terroir in France. Try a few of them out for a taste treat. I’ve recently become enamoured with prosecco, and if you want to try something really different try a sparking red. But any kind of sparkling wine can often be a good bet with a spicy meal, or as an alternative to beer. In the mornings (see No. 10), try a mimosa. To jazz it up at other times, you can also flavour champagne with fruit liqueurs or bitters.

4. No grocery shopping in January. Amy’s mom read about this a couple of years ago in a magazine, and this year’s we’re taking the post-holiday January challenge. You overate all December, didn’t you? And you over-bought. You probably have a fridge stuffed with leftovers, and tins of Christmas goodies. And, if you’re like me, you probably have dusty tins of soup and cartons of never-used pasta clogging up your cabinets. January is the time to use them up. Clean out your cupboards and spare your budget (and exercise your recipe creativity) by forcing yourself to cook within what you already have. It’s not a handcuff deal — if you can’t live without milk and you run out, no one’s going to kill you for getting more. But it’s also not going to kill you to go for a week or two without fresh, ripe tomatoes in January.

5. No more body washes and shower poofs. This is one thing that I’m sick of. I want soap. I want to be clean. I don’t need a moisturizing, soothing, exfoliating beauty scrub. I don’t need to smell like either Spring Meadow or Excruciating Avalanche. In fact, I don’t want to smell at all — that’s why I’m in the shower. Plus, as a very hirsute man, I don’t need a shower poof — I basically grow my own shower poof all over my body.

6. Make something archaic. I choose soap. Seriously. I’m planning to make my own soap from scratch this year. I see this as like growing a vegetable garden: nothing actually comes from a store, so why not learn the process of where it truly does come from? I can’t make my own iPod or such, but I can definitely tackle something like soap (see No. 5).

7. Be outside more. It’s worse in the winter, when I drive to work (see No. 1) in the dark and then home again … also in the dark. Sunlight makes me happy. Being outdoors makes me happy.

8. Stand up more. I spend all day in an office, sitting in a chair in front of a computer screen. Then, to relax, I head home where I can fall into a couch and watch TV. The biggest workout I get is shifting from my left butt cheek to my right. As my office is moving to a new building in 2011, I’m asking my boss to furnish me with a standup desk.

9. Re-introduce an obsolete word into conversation. The decline of the English language is a perennial fear, but you can’t argue that vocabulary isn’t increasing — it’s just that most of the new words are co-opted brands. I spend my workday Facebooking and tweeting, for example. But today, I also coined the word “blunchfest” which I hereby define as a breakfast meal that is eaten at noon. Note that this is not (repeat not) the same as brunch. For the rest of the year, I will endeavour to either coin other new words, or re-introduce older ones. Perhaps I’ll start with “widdershins,” which means to go backwards, generally counter-clockwise.

10. Small drinks in the morning. If you’re so afraid of half a glass of beer that you wouldn’t touch it before breakfast, then you’re giving an outsized importance to alcohol. I don’t particularly want to drink beer every morning, but there’s no reason a bit of gin or vodka wouldn’t juice up some, uh, juice. Mimosas (see No. 3) are also nice. And if you like coffee, you might like something in it. Do be aware that I am not advocating getting blasted all the time, but alcohol as a mood-altering substance is no worse than classic morning drugs like caffeine and nicotine.

11. Elevenses. I first heard of the concept of elevenses from J.R.R. Tolkien, because his hobbits sandwiched it in between second breakfast and luncheon, but it is apparently a real British tradition, much like afternoon tea (once similarly known as fourses) but one that has fallen further and faster out of favour. I aim to revive it. Plus, at least according to one book, when it leapt to this side of the Atlantic, the tradition of elevenses became a late-morning whiskey break (see No. 10). In its native Britain, it’s much more about small snacks and tea. Winnie the Pooh liked honey on his bread and condensed milk. As my regular lunch break falls at 11 a.m., when I am not quite hungry enough for a full lunch, I feel that this will be an easy tradition to establish. Also, appropriate for ’11!