Brings to mind this classic “Deep Thoughts,” by Jack Handy:
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier as to cut them all down? Well, maybe if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.”
What it’s like to be a Christmas tree
Merry Christmas, all
Amy and I got a Boxee Box earlier this year and we adore it. As a “Merry Christmas Eve,” the Boxee folks highlighted this video. I thought it was perfect for sharing.
Have a Very Zombie Holiday
Worried about the Zombie Apocalypse ruining your Christmas? Don’t be! Here is an instructional video to make sure things go smoothly.
(courtesy a zombie-entranced Facebooking friend)
Use algebra to calculate precisely how much to spend on Christmas gifts
If you hate Christmas shopping but love mathematics, you’re in luck. Over at Wired, Garth Sundem has detailed a formula that you can follow so that you spend exactly the right amount of money on each person’s gift. Then you don’t end up buying your brother-in-law a $50 gift and running out of cash before you get anything for your girlfriend.
He says:
1. Define your total budget. Be realistic. For this example, I’m using $500.
2. List everyone for whom you need to buy a gift.
3. Now next to each person’s name, give them an importance rank from 1-10 (10 high).
4. Sum all the people, multiplied by their ranks. It should look something like this 10(wife)+8(kid1)+8(kid2)+3(dad)+3(mom)+1(in-laws)+4(nephew)=37(total)
5. Set your total equal to your budget: 37(total)=$500
6. Solve for (total): total=$13.50
7. Multiply this “total” by each person’s importance to see how much you should spend. In this example, your wife gets 10*13.5=$135, and your kids get 8*13.5=$108.
With only $500 in your pocket, and without time at this point to dilly dally with another shopping trip, you’ll be forced to stick to it.
Of course, this only works if you can follow your budget perfectly. If you instead find the perfect gift for someone but it’s a few bucks higher than you’re “allowed” to spend, it will throw all the other gifts out of whack.
Also, in any realistic universe, finding a gift that is to-the-penny exact on your budget will be much more stressful than shopping in the first place.
I would add some fuzziness. Also, this would be interesting to figure out after Christmas, when you reconcile the receipts, and see how close you come to the ideal budget.
Talking animals a Christmas miracle? Try singing animals!
Who here knows the legend of animals being given the gift of speech at midnight on Christmas Eve — allegedly to reward them for giving up their manger (and the rest of the barn) to the newborn Jesus.
I find it kind of odd that this legend seems to have floated along, under the radar, and isn’t more of a main myth every Christmas. Every child wants to wait up and catch Santa delivering presents, but no one wants to have a chat with Fluffy?
Anyway, this adorable compilation of singing animals was sent to me by Kent. I do not think I can improve on his explanation, which went thus:
Merry Absurd Χριστός-mas, Granty. ooo Kent And Ally. After extensive review, I have found that the x’s might be kisses and the o’s might be hugs. So just hugs to you, or kisses, take it however you like. Also, xxx might have been misleading. So yeah, back to the point, I just showed you why they call it X-mas, in a long winded, roundabout way.
Happy Caturday, Kent and everyone!
Short Film Friday: Infinite Santa 8000 (Episode 1)
As (loosely) promised, a bonus Christmas-themed Short Film Friday post!
I thought about posting any one of a billion schmaltzy, feel-good, crappy, cookie-cutter Christmas short films. Seriously. Go to YouTube and search. They’re everywhere, if that’s the kind of thing that blows up your holiday-themed skirt. But that’s not how I roll…
Instead, I offer to you the first episode of Infinite Santa 8000 — a sci-fi horror animated series starring Santa Claus. If mutants and murder and cybernetic implants and cannibalism don’t scream “Christmas,” I don’t know what does.
If you dig it, check out the Infinite Santa website, where you can see the rest of the episodes (currently at 11 and counting…)
I’ve got your Christmas playlist right here
As part of a top-secret homemade Advent calendar project for Amy, I came up with a couple of Christmas playlists for her. But, now that she’s opened that door in the Advent calendar, I can share those Christmas playlists with you.
There are two playlists, with 20 songs each. I played with trying to get to 24 or 25 songs each, but it seemed to naturally fall at 20 songs. One of the playlists is a little slower and quieter, the other one a little faster. But neither of them are exactly raucous. And both tend towards the folky/acoustic side of things, but not from any actual effort on my part to make them that way.
My entire modus operandi was to create playlists that you could put on in the background of a holiday party — nothing that would be the main event itself. And yet, I wanted to branch out and find non-standard Christmas tunes. I tried to only use Christmas songs that I had never heard before, although a couple of familiar ones did sneak in.
Let me know what you think!
Red Christmas
She’s Underneath the Mistletoe Again - Antsy Mcclain
Great Adventure - Dan Bryk
Don’t Want Another Christmas (Like Last Christmas) - Gentleman Auction House
Xmas In The Jailhouse - Ox
All I Want For Christmas - The Genuine Fakes
It’s Christmas Time Again - Harley Poe
All These Winter Nights - The Higher Elevations
Christmas On The Beach - Irene
Jingle Jangle Christmas - Metro Jets
Christmas Peace - Shadetree
Christmas Day - Strayfolk
Here Comes Christmas - Bill Kelly
(Merry Xmas) Thanks For The Roses - Antje Duvekot
Whiskey Christmas - Darby O’Gill And The Little People
Gold Front Tooth - Dick Smith
X-mas song - Fireflies
Last Christmas (Wham! cover) - Jimmy Eat World
Just Like Christmas - Low
I Wanna Spend My X-Mas Time With You - Phil Lee
Black Christmas - Poly Styene
Download “Red Christmas” in a single zip file!
——-
Green Christmas
Christmas at the Trailer Park - Antsy Mcclain
Christmastime Blues - Jaimi Shuey
Christmas in London - Krista Detor
Christmas Is Coming Soon - Blitzen Trapper
It May Be Winter Outside (But In My Heart It’s Spring) - Milberg
Oh Sweet Christmas! - Oh Sweet Music!
A Blue Christmas - The Perishers
Carol For The Lonely - Sofia Talvik
Holy Night - Thomas Denver Johnsson
Christmas Isn’t Christmas - The Boy Least Likely To
I’d Like You for Christmas - Christabel and the Jons
Red-Eyed Santa - Dick Smith
Christmas In Prison - Emmy The Great & Lightspeed Champion
Be My Valentine On Christmas - Glenna Bell
Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas - Hem
God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen - Hoax Funeral
The Christmas Song - Mark Jungers & the Whistling Mules
Christmas is for Losers - Mike Nicolai
All I Want is Truth (for Christmas) - The Mynabirds
That Was The Worst Christmas Ever! - Sufjan Stevens
Download “Green Christmas” in a single zip file!
Merry Christmas from the iBand
With less than two weeks before Christmas, I guess I can begin to uncouple myself from the deeply ingrained grinchiness and provide you with some Holiday cheer.
North Point Community Church has an iBand — that is, a band that plays music using “i” tools. And it’s pretty cool, too.
Check it out:
A Charlie Brown Christmas improved
Yes, I am a bit of a Scrooge. Christmas is fine and dandy, but I don’t need a month and a half of it — two weeks is even pushing it.
Yet, it’s that time of year when Christmas specials start to take over and there is nothing we can do about it. Or is there?
Yes. I can take that kind of Charlie Brown Christmas.
Until maybe December 23rd, then give me the real deal. As long as you have it cleaned up and put away by the New Year.
Don’t like Christmas? F- you (in rap form)
This is Drew, who raps under the name CRUDBUMP, apparently, but who is also the mad genius behind Toothpaste for Dinner, one of my all-time favourite web comics. He is also the man who used a neti pot, but didn’t use warm salty water. You may recall the hilarious video.
He also sells T-shirts and they are mad hilarious, and they help support his site.
This is why Santa doesn’t have Rudolph’s red nose
… because Santa is a responsible drinker!
The translation, at least how it’s phrased on the Vintage Ads LiveJournal page, goes like this:
I look like Santa because you’ve had too much to drink. It’s only October. If you drink, be considerate of the other passengers.
One of the commenters at LiveJournal calls him “The World’s Most Interesting Santa,” which made me lol, but it is supposedly a “manners” poster in the Tokyo subway.
Normally, I abhor both the overcommercialization and overSantafication of Christmas, as well as the nanny-state finger-waggery of polite society posters, but this one combines both of those into a delightful package, wraps it up with humour, and doesn’t scold you for having too much to drink, just reminds you that not everyone else has.
Now, time to start thinking about whether Santa would prefer whisky or wine left out for him this Dec. 24.
(via BoingBoing)
Ending the Christmas season in style
My Christmas tree, once all the decorations were carefully plucked from its branches and stored in boxes for next year, was sadly and unceremoniously hauled out the front door, where it current lies dumped on top of a pile of snow. It’s sort of sad, really.
Perhaps I should have sent it out in a one last blaze of glory, like these guys:
The idea is funny enough — their overwrought production is almost funnier. One quibble: this isn’t recycling, but reusing. For what it’s worth, my own Christmas tree will be reused too: the city will feed it to a woodchipper. Eventually, I suppose, it will be composted. That’s about a “green” as you can hope for.
Merry Christmas
From all of us here at Absurd Intellectual, who are moving, internet-less, and spending Christmas with family and loved ones instead of blogging, have a very Merry Christmas.
Or, if you’re from that side of the pond, Happy Christmas.
Or, if you’re not Christian and/or secular Western, we’ll wish you a Happy Holidays, and please enjoy the fact that you have a “free” day off, courtesy our culture.